I have seen a lot of superhero films in my 26 years of living and will most likely continue to watch them until the grave (well that was kinda morbid for no reason). As more and more films come out, my patience has worn thin with certain movie characters so I'm gonna need studios to heed my following commandments.
1. Thou shalt not have an origin film for Batman, Superman or Spider-Man
Seriously, do any of those characters need a film dedicated to their origins? Those 3 are so popular that I could do a word associate game and everyone would know all they need to know. Ready? Batman- Dead parents, Superman- Dead planet- Spider-Man- Dead uncle. If that isn't good enough, just be a person that is capable of hearing and/or reading and I am fairly certain you will hear their origin stories from a drunken hobo on the street BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THEIR STORY.
2. Thou shalt not have a villain with the exact same powerset has the hero
This may sound weird to some of you guys but think about it, if you have the exact same powers as your enemies then really what is the danger? Like lets say you know 10 forms of martial arts and they know the same 10 and are at your level...its an automatic stalement. Instead, give us villains that can challenge our heroes in new ways, force them to get creative to beat you. I don't want another Iron Man 1 situation where the hero wins because the villain is using the same damn tech as the hero but the hero has a better understanding (sorry if I just spoiled a movie from 2008).
 |
| Its just so dumb, like how did he make a copy of the suit and not know about the freezing issue? |
I'm so very tired of villains who are staples of hero's rogues galleries being killed off in film. Off the top of my head we have every villain in the Raimi Spider-Man franchise, Whiplash from Iron Man 2,Malekith from Thor The Dark World, Ultron from Age of Ultron, Ronan the Accuser from Guardians of the Galaxy, and Zod in Man of Steel. Instead of killing them, save them so that they can reappear in future films, or at the very least make them evil enough so that I want to see them die.
4. Thou shalt not have Peter Parker in highschool for the next 10 years
I know that he will be a high school student again in the 3rd reboot but I'm talking about after that, cut that shit out Sony. Most of the most iconic storylines happen AFTER he is out of high school, hell he was only in high school for 3 years out of his 60+ year publication history so can we finally see him stay an adult? How many times can we have the whole "I gotta save the world but man I really need a date" in movies? Even the Twilight fans got to see Bella get married so why can't I see Peter partying in a nightclub (but not like in Spider-Man 3 because that was awful)? I want an adult Peter dammit.
 |
| No I said not this one! Ugh now I gotta go punch Sam Raimi |
Not
Every
Film
Needs
Massive
Destruction!
6. Thou shalt not make any Fantastic Four films...unless Marvel does it
Look its pretty safe to say that no one cares about the FF. Sure I love Dr Doom and people do like Reed, Sue, Johnny and Ben but they absolutely don't like them as stars of the films; especially since they have been given 3 movies and each were successively worse than the previous ones. No one is clamoring for a reboot so just let that franchise die, not every comic book needs a film..ya know...unless its done by Marvel like the commandment says.
7. Thou shalt not make everyone film connect to another film's narrative.
Ok I might need to explain this one. When I was watching Guardians of the Galaxy I was like 'Oh wow this is set so far away from Earth I can't wait to see all the new planets and- oh they are looking for the goddamn infinity gems too? I get it ok, Infinity Wars is coming out but can I have a goddamn stand alone film that doesn't set up another movie?" That's basically how I feel, I don't think every film needs to be a set up for another film. I think audiences are smart enough to realize that they don't need to have the next film dropped in another film to know its part of that universe. I don't mind connected films but goddamn not every single film since Avengers needs to set up Infinity War!
 |
| Can't wait for this damn movie to come out so I don't have to have a billion more set up films. |
I'm sure superhero movies aren't the only ones guilty of this but I remember my first time seeing this practice was for Amazing Spider-Man 2 and its super obnoxious. Like how full of yourself are you to release an 2 second clip of a 30 second trailer? Its not even those "put like all of the movie in 2 mins" trailers either...30 goddamn seconds. Cut it out studios.
9. Thou shalt not reboot any film less than 5 years old
This doesn't really need any clarification
10. Thou shalt not ever replace J.K Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson
Seriously, this man is JJJ and no other person should ever even be considered for the role, even in death we must never let him go, we have the technology to keep him as Jameson forever.
 |
| This man is perfect dammit |
So yeah those are my 10 commandments, all you studio heads better get in line or I will...I don't know...be very displeased if you ignore this? Probably write a strong worded opinion piece? Tweet you mean things? Look just follow this and we won't have problems ok?
No comments:
Post a Comment